Okay, the title really doesn’t explain this post at all, but whatever. To be honest, this post is kind of an experiment, so forgive me if it makes no sense at all. Basically, I’m testing out this “stream of consciousness” thing we’ve all read about in high school English classes. So I’m gonna try to write whatever the hell I’m thinking right now without clicking the delete button once. Almost impossible. I’m actually very tempted to erase this entire thing right now, but alas, I’ll try to continue.
When I started blogging, I told myself that this is an opportunity to write about things that matter to me in a conversational/free-flowing way that I couldn’t in college papers and resumes and other shit. But I just don’t think that’s possible anymore. As in like, I’ve forgotten how to write without premeditation, without contemplating how the person reading my writing would think about it. In short, I’ve come to regard writing as a act to entertain my audience rather than release my inner turmoil or whatever. Well, sometimes it works both ways, but it’s been years since I’ve been able to write something solely for myself. And that’s back when I kept a diary, when I was about seven years old. When high school rolled around, my attitude toward writing changed drastically, which isn’t entirely a bad thing. My writing became more sophisticated and disciplined, more coherent and reflective. But it’s just never been as reckless and natural as it once was, no matter how hard I tried to escape the mold of academic essays. Even as I’m blogging now, and I keep telling myself that no one’s gonna give me negative feedback/constructive criticism on whatever the fuck I’m writing, it’s still hard to believe that I have no audience, that I’m writing solely for myself. And sometimes it’s hard to be 100% honest with yourself when you’re so focused on what the audience would say; like, you might think that you’re writing what you believe in, but in reality you’re probably influenced by what your reader believes.
I don’t know if any of that made any sense, as I said before that I’m not going to organize my thoughts or revise anything. Basically what I’m trying to say is that years of writing academic essays have made me into this paranoid machine that can’t write anything without worrying about how it would be perceived by other people. And maybe that’s a good thing, as it prevents me from putting out poorly-worded bullshit like this crap right here. But I don’t know, sometimes it’s nice to just rant like there’s no one listening or judging you. And maybe blogging like this every once in a while will get me into the habit of writing freely again.