It’s Just Water.


Apparently I have to be thirsty all the time to remain healthy. At least, that’s what the doctor said: 3.5L of water everyday to keep the new kidney hydrated. For someone who only drinks water when she’s out of spit, 3.5L is a herculean task. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve drank more than 2L of water in a single day. Most days I probably only drink two or three cups worth. In my defense, the most common source of free H2O is Arrowhead. I can’t stand fucking Arrowhead.

Anyway, I figured I’d better fix my drinking problem (haha) if I wanted to be fit enough to return to school in seven weeks time. So I went to a supermarket and bought the biggest freaking water bottle I could find (1.5L), and forced myself to consume two bottles of that ever day. Basically for the last week I’ve been emptying and refilling that same bottle a gillizion effing times a day. And it’s been successful. I’ve been peeing every thirty minutes (I accidentally typed “every thirsty minutes”), like 10 times a day. But it hasn’t been easy. For a lack of a more elegant metaphor, that bottle is like a stubborn, desperate ex who stalks you everywhere thinking you still have feelings for her. Like, you dumped her months ago and are trying to get on with your life but she’s always lying right next to you TOPLESS, nudging you with her toe, eye-fucking you, and basically forcing you to make out with her for a good 20 secs before she’s satisfied enough to leave you alone for the next ten minutes. Then it starts all over again. That’s my relationship with the bottle in a nutshell. It’s always begging me to make out with it even when I’m NOT THIRSTY (literally and metaphorically).

To make life less agonizing, I changed things up a bit today. In place of that stupid freaking behemoth of a bottle, I drank from those red party cups used for beer pong. I’m essentially switching the two bottles for 8-9 cups of water, which may sound more intimidating but is actually a hundred times easier to conquer. I think I ended up downing more than 10 cups in a lot less time. Why? I really don’t know other than that it’s a psychological thing. The closer we feel to the end, the more motivated we are to get there. Remember that goddamn mile we had to run in freshmen year of high school? No, I don’t actually want to relive that traumatic experience. But I do believe that running four laps around a 400m track was less painful than running a straight mile, on a road stretched so far out that we can only see about a quarter of it from the starting point. I don’t think I could complete that in an hour, let alone 10 minutes. That’s also the reason why senior year went by so much faster than any semester in any of the previous years. When you feel like you can see the end, everything becomes a blur. Maybe the last ten years of my life will sprint by even faster than senior year did.

Unless I get run over by a bus or something tomorrow morning. In that case, the last ten years of my life didn’t outrun senior year of high school.


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