Why I Don’t Want to Turn 20

Musings/Rants

It’s a week till my 20th birthday. I wish those seven days could stretch on for seven years. I don’t want to be 20. It nauseated me to think that in seven days I’ll have to start saying, “I’m 20” instead of “I’m 19.” I love being 19. I want to be 19 forever. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with 19 but I do know why I don’t want to be 20: I don’t want to stop making excuses.

I originally made a list of 10 reasons I’m afraid to turn 20, but none of them are remotely funny so I just scrapped the whole thing. I think this mini existential crisis I’ve been experiencing over the past three days has drained every last ounce of my creative energy. Right now I’m just a boring, empty shell of the vastly fascinating person I usually am. Lol. I think I’m having an identity crisis because everything is just happening way too fast. Besides all the obvious perks of being a teenager – blaming everything on hormones, getting a multitude of second chances that you don’t deserve, listening to shitty music without anyone questioning your sanity – I’m going to miss the sense of stability I’ve settled into over the last six years. The constant, suffocating sense of disappointment directed at us from all angles, our penchant for making the same mistake two billion times over, our inability to choose the right path even though we know exactly what it is. And temptation, the one thing we never fail to fall for.

The beauty of being a teenager is that your actions are self-explanatory. By virtue of hovering anywhere between 13 to 19, you’re expected to be an absolute moron. When you smoked the wrong shit or slept with the wrong guy, you can just say you’re a moronic, hormonal teenager and after some grounding and some yelling and possibly some crying you’ll be forgiven because, after all, what you did was expectedYou lived up to your expectations, congratulations. And I like that. I like having people place bets on when I’m gonna pull the next stupid shit I’ve got on my agenda. I like people expecting me to almost kill myself and jam my future in the shredder, and I fucking dig the flabbergasted expressions on their stupid faces when once in a while I actually made the right choice and ultimately got into a decent college.

I spent a third of my life being a teenager. An immature, hormonal, spoilt leech on society. I’m so used to being this imbecile that I’ve kind of grown to love it, and I’ve also forgotten how to be anyone else. I don’t want people to take me seriously and expect the best of me. I don’t want to enjoy my 20s and make intellectual, “mature” friends. I don’t want to grow up, okay??? And you know what hurts the most? I can no longer say Teen Spirit gets kids like “us” in a way no one ever has. Imagine claws digging into your shoulder blades, sinking so deep and hard into your flesh that they lacerate your tendons and scratch your bones; imagine them trailing down the length of your torso, shredding your muscles to rip your bloody, throbbing organs out your body. Yeah, that’s about a tenth of the pain I feel every time I see the word Teen in Teen Spirit, and every time I remember that Kurt Cobain is dead.

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12 thoughts on “Why I Don’t Want to Turn 20

  1. Oh God. The answer to everything is still hormones XD but then, do you too feel almost offended when you do something and someone’s all “OMG YOU’RE SUCH A TEENAGER” I mean I am one but yeeeesh

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  2. Trust me, there will be no difference when you turn 20. I know it’s a little daunting and you’re expecting to be taken seriously but it doesn’t happen. I’ll be 24 in a couple of weeks and I still don’t get taken seriously haha even after graduating college two years ago. You’ll be totally fine 🙂 still act like a kid as much as you want! I encourage it haha

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww thank you, that actually does make you feel a bit better. I don’t think anything will be any different, but it’s just the idea of not being a teenager anymore that kind of freaks me out. But I’ll stay stupid and reckless 🙂

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  3. Nobody expects better when you’re in your early twenties, you’re still expected to make mistakes and be an idiot so don’t worry! It’s when you’re about to turn 26 and realise all your friends are getting married (or in one case, divorced!) and you’re back living with your parents that you need to start worrying….

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Go with the flow and if possible, cherish the process but most importantly, embrace and enjoy the different stages of your life 😉

    You’ve experienced the joys in the stages as a kid, teen and now you are headed into adulthood. Look forward to it!

    Here’s me wishing you a happy life and happy birthday bud!

    Your pal,
    David Long

    Liked by 1 person

      1. If you can find something to look forward to or a goal to work towards, chances are, you will be excited to see how your story in this chapter will conclude. I’m sure we all are excited for you too 😉

        Live with anticipation and expectation. Things will come to you eventually if you go looking for them!

        Your pal,
        David Long

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey so I saw this post was made 2 years ago so you’re over 20 now how was it turning 20? Not as bad as you thought or worse? Soon to be 20 year old freaking out a bit

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’ll be just fine! Several of my friends in college just turned 20 as well and went through the same anxiety-fueled transition I did. It’s pretty common. 20’s a weird age: you feel unmistakably older but not wiser, since you don’t get to do any the cool things adults get to do but can’t make the same excuses you’ve made as a teen. It was a roller coaster of a year, and I don’t know if I had more delightful moments than regrettable ones. But I learned so much, and wouldn’t forget any of it. I’m sure you will, too.

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