Uninspired, but at peace

My Awesome Life, Uncategorized, Writing

I’m on the cusp of a profound transition, arguably the most significant one in modern life: crossing the threshold from 20 to 21.

My grand initiation into the 21 Club is scheduled on Pi Day, which may be more than 50 days away, but I thought I might as well reflect on and immortalize in writing the bizarre and uninspiring person I’ve grown into over the last two decades.

The first 20 years of my life have been a collage of confused decisions, abandoned resolutions, disillusioned attempts down various career paths, and random epiphanies about both myself and the world around me.

My teenage years revolved around an emotional pendulum rooted at equilibrium, refusing to even flirt with either extreme. I’ve been frustrated and lost, hovering in a purgatory of mediocrity and indifference for the better part of the last four years. I’ve been sad but never heartbroken, I’ve been happy but never ecstatic, and I’ve dated but never in love. At times I feel like I’m incapable of feeling anything to the fullest extent, like anything I experience will only be a dimmer version of what others have already felt. I love writing–always will–but I’ve never felt that scorching thirst to sew my dreams into narratives, never been inspired enough to write for hours on end until the sun bled into the horizon and hours bled into days. Can I ever feel as passionate about anything as professional athletes do about winning a damn trophy, or as actors do about, well, acting? Can I ever commit to anything?

My state of mind is the Jamie xx album, “In Color”—not any particular track but snippets of the entire album. In electronic music, we anticipate drops. We dig bangers that take us on pulsating mind trips and emotional roller coaster rides. The spectacular is what expect from life, too, and if we don’t get it, we lash out: “I didn’t deserve this. I just thought there’d be more.” When the going gets tough, we tell ourselves to hang in there, push through the pain and wait for eminent arrival of better days. I think that’s been my attitude for the majority of my adolescent years: You haven’t seen shit. Just wait for the bass to drop.

The bass never drops in “In Color.” It’s just an impressionistic painting of intelligent beat-making and ethereal atmospherics, delicate but brimming with wonder. Some tracks (“Far Nearer,” “Loud Places”) bottle a fountain of youthful emotions–optimism, desire, dread, yearning–into a quiet and exquisite world of gentle, fluttering synth sequences and stirring vocals. “Gosh” builds up to a two-minute climax of lush keyboard soundscapes that douse you with euphoria and hope. On the other side of the spectrum, “Stranger In a Room” envelops you in spellbinding warmth using minimal percussion beats against deep baselines, hinting that life can be okay without staggering achievements or life-changing revelations.

Electronic music is an enormous and expanding world of countless sub-genres that defy categorization. Bangers comprise a recognizable but very small part of that world; extraordinary milestones comprise but a small part of ours. I’ve been so lost and frustrated that my youth–the most exciting years of my life–has so far been defined by a maddening indifference, and that I couldn’t find the motivation to reach my full potential to make my parents proud.

But maybe I’ve been asking too much. The way we package our emotions determines the way we experience them. I’ve never been euphoric about anything, but I’ve been happy about plenty: getting into college, road-tripping with mom, feeding my dog, hanging out with friends. I just need to believe that happiness can give me the same satisfaction as euphoria. I’ve never been obsessed with writing, but I want to write and I’ll continue doing so, inspired or not. What if you don’t need to live life to the fullest to be at peace with it? I’m not in love with life, but I feel lucky to be alive and to live this life.

I doubt much will change about my appearance or attitude 12 months from now. Maybe I’ll be single and jobless at 25; maybe I’ll be profiling Leonardo DiCaprio for Vanity Fair. I can’t see either happening, but I have always been dreadful at predicting the trajectory of my life. And I’m still young. I want to believe that one day I will fall in love with life.



An “Eureka” Moment


To be honest, I’ve just about given up on starting a blog. After three failed attempts on three different blog sites, I decided that commitment just wasn’t my thing. Or maybe that’s just an excuse for something else: my piteously low self-esteem. What is no one reads it? What’s the point of revealing my messy and often messed up thoughts to the ominous internet if I’m only talking to myself? Isn’t that what a diary is for? Anyhow, with all these stupid, insecure questions swarming my stupid, insecure head, I’m put off blogging again and again. Until now.

So why now? Well, here’s a little background. I’m a nineteen year old journalism student at NYU. I completed my freshmen year in May, but I won’t be returning to New York till January because I have to undergo a minor surgery that requires a whooping three-month recovery period. But more on that later. I’m female, 5’3 and quite obviously Asian. I have very typical teenage hobbies like binge-sleeping, binge-eating, binge-gossiping, binge-social-networking, binge-watching (mostly trashy) shows on Netflix, and binge-sleeping some more. So all in all, very ordinary.

But here’s the thing I didn’t quite realize until now: ordinary doesn’t mean boring. When you think about it, very few people are truly boring. Our responsibilities and hobbies all appear the same after a while, but our stories are different. The way I see it, life doesn’t give you lemons. It is a lemon. You’ve gotta squeeze the hell out of that shit to find any small residue of goodness. But it’s all there, within that layer of ordinariness. If I try hard enough, I know I can squeeze something out of my very unexceptional existence. Call me vain if you want, but I wasn’t going to let this moment of epiphany go to waste. I wanna find the cool in the dull, the insightful in the mundane. That’s why I want to start blogging again. To really start. And this time neither laziness nor insecurity is going to stop me again. I hope not, anyway.

So with each blog post I’ll try to squeeze out some quirky insight out of mundane occurrences. And if anything happens to pique your interest, feel free to follow along as I courageously attempt to navigate the labyrinth of teenage troubles and college life.

Thanks for reading!