A Love Letter to Calories

Musings/Rants

I randomly found this passage in my notepad. I don’t remember how it came about–it must have been for some dumbass application. Anyway, I’m posting it because it’s been too long again and I still can’t come up with anything new.

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I was born in China but moved to the mystical land of New Zealand when I turned nine. It’s a place where sheep roam freely, people are sweet but phony, and the most average coffee shits on the best espresso you can find in NYC. It’s the kind of town you dream of escaping while you live there but miss terribly once you leave.

My whole life there–living in resentment, departing in glee, reflecting with fondness – is how I developed my voice as a writer–curious and humorous, yet somehow always tinged with nostalgia. Even though I’m finally living in the city of my dreams, exploring sites and restaurants in every corner of the five boroughs (nah, just Manhattan, to be completely honest), I still think about that mince and cheese pie from Browns Bay and that slice of pavlova I had at a bakery that probably no longer exists.

I think food evokes our most visceral memories. If our existence is indeed highlighted by specific impressions, then food is the chain that connects all the dots in life and puts everything into perspective. How did the apple tarts that doused you with euphoria in childhood become an unbearable source of grief in adulthood? How did you ever come to crave coffee when you hated it with a passion as a kid? How are you going to look at strawberry shortcakes (lol) after you rejected the dude who stuffed an engagement ring in one?

Eating doesn’t inspire such introspection. When you’re ravenous, you’ll inhale anything you see, and when you’re chewing, you see only two categories of food–the disgusting and the phenomenal. Everything that’s not disgusting is phenomenal. You’re not really that hungry if you’re lucid enough to critique and analyze your food. Truth is, you don’t grasp the philosophical significance of what you shove into your mouth until you’re done digesting it. Introspection happens in retrospect.

How was a 13-year-old supposed to know that the moment he got tired of hot chocolate would mark the end of the beginning of his life? How was he supposed to know that it would all go downhill as he transitioned from mochas to lattes to espressos? Would I still enjoy that $20 burger when I can scarcely afford to pay rent after I graduate and move out? Food is the reckless, instantaneous decisions we make that would come to make sense in hindsight.

Food is life, quite literally.

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The Boy

Bedtime Stories/Fiction

There once lived a fat boy named Ty,

Whose one true love was pie.

If he opened the fridge and found no pie,

He’d cry till he died.

Then cometh the day his parents left for Rome,

To find some relief from home.

They baked him a pie larger than his belly,

And swung it around his neck,

So he can nibble and chew his way

Through the fortnight while they were away.

But the boy was thicker than he was thick,

And only thought with his dick,

Because never did it occur to his fat little head,

That a circle had two halves.

So once he ate the half of the pie that’s hanging in front of his mouth (the only half that existed in his mind) he starved and died and that’s the end of this awful fucking poem.

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That was my first attempt at writing poetry. I hope it was as flawless as it sounded to my ears.

What Dealing With Swollen Gums Taught Me About Life

My Awesome Life

Is that there is nothing more cathartic and life-affirming than pushing through the most excruciating pain to perform the act you love most (not sex okay). Eating a small, ordinary piece of barbecued meat that never previously garnered a second glance from you suddenly took on a spiritual resonance to rival that of a classic sermon. Never before have you been able to look at your soul with such openness and such clarity.

Yeah, that’s bullshit.

All that my ugly bloated gums taught me is that I miss ripping beef tongues and chicken hearts off of skewers instead of nibbling them like a fucking squirrel, and that life is a sadistic bitch for denying me the simple human pleasure of doing so. And that I’m pretty ravenous right now but the only thing within reaching distance of my bed is a box of apples, which conveniently happen to be too painful for my broken mouth to embrace so yeah if I die of starvation tomorrow you all know who the culprit is.

I’m actually considering poking my gums with a pin to deflate it or at least reduce it to a nice little pool of blood because apparently the internet, the INTERNET, is telling me that there is no medication to reduce gum swelling. No, no, no, because apparently, APPARENTLY, brushing your teeth and eating more vegetables are going to solve the problem, even though you’ve been brushing your fucking teeth twice a day (maybe except for the couple of times you’ve passed out because using a toothbrush requires you to be semi-conscious) for the last nineteen years and can actually count on two hands the number of times you’ve voluntarily shoved anything green down your throat since the late 2000s. So yeah, picking up a toothbrush and binging on greens now is definitely going to solve a problem that I’ve only had about four or five times in almost two decades. What the actual FUCK, INTERNET.

Maybe I should just go see a dentist.

Hell

My Awesome Life

So I thought I’d make a confession today: I’m taking steroids.

No, not the kind that turns you into Arnold fucking Schwarzenegger. It’s the type of anti-inflammatory drug that suppresses the immune system so your dumb body doesn’t blindly reject the foreign organ after a transplant. And I’m on it for life, which honestly seems like a damn good thing if I didn’t have to give up the two loves of my life: salt and sugar.

Okay, I guess that warrants a bit more explanation. Steroids like Prednisone, the thing I’m taking right now, can increase blood sugar and make you really hungry and really fat really fast. So if you wanna couple steroids with desserts everyday you’re pretty much sending yourself on the fast track to fat camp. With insulin shots. And uh, salt is just bad for your kidneys, especially those that don’t filter fluids very well. It leaks protein into urine and keeps water inside the body and shit, which makes you puff up like freaking Baymax from Big Hero 6. Excuse my very non-scientific and inarticulate explanations. I ain’t a pre-med major.

A very rational part of me thinks taking steroids to maintain good health is kind of counterintuitive, because my current situation looks a little like this:

Life+steroids+cardio-sugar-salt= DEATH

I’ve always eaten for the hell of eating. For the way it makes me feel rather than the way it affects my body. Oh, and I haven’t worked out in about two years. If I start gaining weight I just stop eating. Then I eat 500000 calories a day. Not even close, but you get the point. It’s all or nothing. I don’t know how to watch my damn diet. Hell, had I known how to watch my diet I wouldn’t be here today after torpedoing my parents’ bank account. Or maybe I would have. I dunno. Not all diseases go away just because you tell them to. You don’t always get what you want even when you do the right things.

I don’t know if I’ll be able control myself. I sure as hell don’t want to. But now I have another chance to actually do the right thing, regardless of the result. Maybe despite my efforts my disease will still come back and destroy the new kidney, but this time I would be able to blame fate rather than myself. And I’m hardly the only person in the equation. You know, it feels bizarrely empowering to know that I can disappoint a bunch of people by just sticking to my usual reckless diet. The right thing would be so much more appealing to impulsive people if it were easier to accomplish.

Well, new year new start, eh?

2014 Rewind

My Awesome Life

With just about 24 hours left of 2014 here in America, I suppose it’s time to have a look back on the highs and lows of the past twelve months. This year has taken many unpredictable turns, most of which I’ve already discussed to death. It hasn’t been the most productive year, but I’ve certainly learned a lot about myself as a person and a writer. And most importantly, blogging became a part of my life. That’s not only my biggest achievement of the year but also one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve ever had.

2015 will be different. Having been home for over half a year, I’m pretty certain my dormant brain will have quite a lot of trouble with school work and I’ll probably have to spend a lot more time on assignments. So I don’t know how frequently I can blog after the semester starts in late January. But I’ll try to write whenever I have time because I’ve always wanted to blog about the college life. And there will be more flash fiction and short stories, too.

Before I leave you guys with a gallery of my best moments in 2014 (all food-related because I’m a fat ass), I just want to once again say how thankful I am for all the support I’ve received, be it a follow or a comment or a reblog or just a view. Thank you for liking and believing the one thing I feel truly passionate about. I hope at least one of my posts have touched you or inspired you in some small way, in the same way that so many of yours have moved me. It’s been a fabulous first five months, and look forward to sharing more stories with you in the months or years to come. Thank you again.

Have a blast tonight. Get pissed drunk and crush 2015.

Merry Christmas!!

My Awesome Life

Don’t have much to say today other than that I hope you’re all having a fantastic Christmas with family or friends or just people you don’t want to kill. I’m in Palm Springs right now with my brother and dad. Everything is freaking closed so all I have are some delicious foodporn pics to share. It’s still one of the better Xmases I’ve ever had just because I love the company so much. May you all eat so much that you can’t even get up to retrieve all the sick ass presents.

Urth Caffe

My Awesome Life

Never been a coffee lover nor an early bird, but Urth Caffe converted me. That green tea latte was one of the most glorious things I’ve ever swallowed. Ha, that’s what she said. But really, the food is incredible, the pastries are delectable, and the coffee…well I’ve already mentioned how good the coffee is. It’s the quirkiest little coffeehouse in LA. Actually, it has a few locations spread out in LA, but the one in Santa Monica is the most popular. So if you do decide to visit the most overrated beach in the world, do stop by and grab the best latte in the world.

Bite-sized Brains

Musings/Rants

Do you ever wondered how often the “9” button on the microwave is pressed?

I was thinking about that because my mom left me some noodles for lunch, but I was too lazy to heat it up so I just ate some cereal instead. The microwave is at once the most-used and most-underused device in the household. We use it almost everyday for almost any type of food – drinks, packaged food, left-overs, popcorn – but at the same, we only ever use half of it. When was the last time you hit any button on the top row? You only hear about one-minute Quiche, two-minute noodlesfive-minute brownies. Let’s be real, if you have to wait seven-minutes for the damn microwave, you might as well just get the pan out and cook something.

For whatever reason, we just don’t seem to have enough time. Everything in our lives somehow revolves around speed. How can I get the most done in the least amount of time? This attitude applies to communication more than anything else. The reason why news and social media have become intertwined is that we young people just can’t be bothered to open up a new tab on The NY Times or The Washington Post and search for serious shit ourselves. But being the narcissistic gossipers we are, of course we’d be on Facebook all the time, so the only way the government or whatever can get us updated on worldly affairs is by posting bite-sized headlines on the FB Home page for us to skim through while we’re stalking other people. It’s kind of sad, isn’t it?

I’m not sure if our short-attention span is a cultural thing or a hereditary thing. All I know is that actively seeking detailed and complicated information is a long and winding process that doesn’t appeal to me. And patience isn’t my strong suit. But despite all that, I believe we still need to put in that effort to learn new things, even if they don’t interest us as much. That nine-minute microwave chocolate cake probably tastes a thousand times better than anything you can get in two-minutes. You just have to be patient enough to see it through.