Hi.

My Awesome Life

Hi again. I’m back from the dead. Please believe me when I say I’ve literally had no time to blog. Without torturing you with insanely dull details, let’s just say I got kicked out of my dorm and pulled off 2 straight all nighters. Yeah, um, the building next to my dorm exploded. East Village explosion. You may have read it on the news. My parents certainly haven’t….either that or they just forgot my address. But uh, anyhow, I’ve ran the gauntlet of the most extreme emotional and physical torture and made it out alive. Barely, with a ton of bruises and scares that may never heal, but alive nonetheless. I’ve missed blogging. The whole time I was wandering around NYC at seven in the morning, sweaty and disgusting and homeless, I thought about blogging constantly. Blogging, writing, cussing, crying, anything that let’s me exorcise all the rage and hatred and sexual frustration burning inside my loins (lol). I actually had a nice long howl Saturday afternoon that left me relieved, exhausted, and extremely thirsty (lol).

And I had my second quarter-life existential crisis in two weeks. Who am I?? Am I making the right decisions? It’s so confusing because the various commitments I’ve taken up this semester require me to adopt several personas, all of which feel so foreign to me. And I’m cool with that; after all, you need to take risks and grow as a person. Yet sometimes I just feel like I’m pushing myself to become someone I’m not.

Fake it till you make it. That’s what everyone tells us. Especially us introverts who refuse to comply with the charismatic, articulate, extroverted personality standard that society lauds. The whole time I’m “faking it till I make it,” all I can think of is, “why do I have to fake it to make it??” Why do we live in a society where being introverted and quiet and perceptive is considered a weakness? I can’t remember how many times I’ve been told that if I don’t speak up I’ll never get anywhere. I just think that’s so fucked up, this idea that being a good talker is more valuable than being a good thinker or a good listener.

Since that’s the way society has become, I’m willing to change myself, to improve on my “weaknesses.” But at what point do I start to lose myself? At what point do I begin to see my “weaknesses” as real weaknesses? Knowing that I may really start hating my introverted traits scares the shit out of me. I have to remind myself constantly that it’s okay to be withdrawn, that it’s therapeutic to wander off into my little world and imagine weird, crazy things that’ll never happen, that it’s fine to leave the practical world behind for a little while. I do that because I truly believe that those so called weaknesses are the essence of my being. I do that because I’ve never considered my awkwardness or my inability to speak coherently a real weakness. Maybe that’s why I’m such a slow learner, but that’s also why I’ve never lost myself.

Truth is, I get attached easily but nothing sticks. I don’t have an addictive personality. Cigarette smoke invigorates me. If some guy walks by me with a cig dangling out of his mouth, I’d breathe in real deep and exhale real slow, bathing in that delirious blend of toxins. Sometimes I even get that irresistible urge to snatch it out of someone’s hands and take a drag myself. Goddamn. But if I don’t see it, I don’t think about it. Even when I’m smoking and loving the hell out of it, I know that it’s never gonna be a habit. That’s how it goes what everything I do. I’ll get involved and work hard but I know where my heart is. That’s the mindset I had going into this year, into some of the academic pursuits that I took on.

But I’m starting to think I’m losing my stand.

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8 thoughts on “Hi.

  1. That is some scary shit. I am glad you are back.
    And as for your thoughts on faking it til you make it, I can tell you its a crock of shit. If you are questioning that now, just as I did, you realize later on that it is all a lie. Society made up that there is one normal, it isn’t true. A weakness? I don’t understand that concept. A weakness to others is actually a strength. It is a part of you that sustained even though everyone tried to suppress it in you. I consider you lucky to be seeing it now instead of waiting the decade or so that I started to get it. Enjoy the late walks through the city, homeless or not and that all these things make you amazing and a terrific story teller.
    I take a breath to when I pass by someone smoking….hmmm

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Cheap advice for today: Life is easy. One foot in front of the other. Then the other foot. Slowly. That’s it. You are right where you should be now. You’re not losing your stand. It may feel like it to you now, but in ten years, you will understand that the you in you is awesome. You don’t need to be outgoing or articulate to have a good life. Of course, if you choose to be a politician or stand-up comic, you better start practicing on that personality type. But you could be a dentist, a surgeon, a fireman, a writer and never need extrovert qualities.
    More cheap advice: stop inhaling when smokers walk by.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Man, your week sucked. In that being said, I am an ex smoker, and your detail in words and things going on, make me want to light up. And yes fake it till you make it !!! You eventually will !!

    Like

  4. I’m so glad I randomly decided to check Freshly Pressed today and stumbled upon you. Your blog is a page turner… and i have class in the morning… I blame you for my tomorrow’s under-eye circles 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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